


Finding Clarity

by serafina19



Series: Let me in [3]
Category: The Gifted (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 00:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14007939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina19/pseuds/serafina19
Summary: Once the door closed behind Lorna, they’re left with a new base, a fractured team and uncertainty no matter where they looked. John and Clarice know that it’s a tough road ahead, leaving them no choice but to figure out their relationship. Post-finale.





	Finding Clarity

As the silence settled in the new headquarters, there were questions everywhere. Marcos was still, likely doing everything in his power to keep himself in check. John wasn’t doing much better, but someone had to step up. So he dropped Clarice’s arm, not even realizing that he had done that and told everyone to listen up.

Their home would be different, leadership would be different, but they would have to find a new structure that kept everyone safe. While they had started this meeting to get the first pieces in place, what happened instead was a blow that he didn’t have an answer for.  

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much time to dwell on that or even talk much with the leadership unit of this base. That was why he continued to give the clichéd words that people needed right now. Something about the importance of getting a good night’s rest and how he still believed in what they were doing, in finding a way to do the right thing.  

It seemed to work for the most part. John could see the sour faces on a lot of people’s faces, but he couldn’t blame them. He turned his head and saw that Clarice had walked over to the Struckers, who were still in disbelief over Andy leaving.  If John had to be honest, that one stung, but the signs were there. Then again, he never pictured Andy using his abilities on his own family, even if it was by accident.

When Clarice noticed him staring, she gave him a grin, so he trusted her to handle that while he handled the other person most affected by recent events.

“Hey,” he said as he approached Marcos, who was barely maintaining a neutral expression while he continued to look where Lorna had walked out of the building. John placed an arm on his shoulder, trying to get his friend to look away, but it didn’t work. “We will get her back. I’m not sure how, but we will find a way.”

Marcos sighed, turning his body slightly to face John. “I know. I’m not giving up on her or our family.”

“How are you?”

He looked around John, likely trying to see who had stuck around in hopes that others wouldn’t see his frustration. “I want to track her down and get her to see reason, but that won’t work.” Marcos closed his eyes, holding his breath for a second before adding, “I want to explode, but these people have gone through enough.” 

That was an understatement, but John bit his tongue. This time, he looked over his shoulder, grateful for the quiet around them. He hoped that it was because people were calm enough to get some rest, but it was more than likely because they felt defeated. John couldn’t dwell on that feeling though. They would find a way. They had to.

As he turned back to face Marcos, his friend shrugged a shoulder. “I just never thought that she’d voluntarily choose to walk away, knowing that I’m on the other side.”

“Then how about you take my shift on the night watch instead?” John asked.

Fortunately, they had determined night watch duty before Lorna came in. The people who were here before had gone through their systems, but it was a long day for them too, so John and Marcos had insisted on participating in the first two shifts to allow some of their people to rest.

Before, John didn’t like the idea of Marcos volunteering, but understood his friend’s motivation. Now was another matter, but it seemed like Marcos wasn’t backing down.

“If I’m being honest, you probably need the rest more than I do,” he said, bringing his hand up to grip the back of his neck. “And you might actually be successful at doing it.”

“All the more reason to take the break.”

Marcos stretched his other arm behind him, but kept his voice quiet as he said, “That’s what that is for me. Being productive, showing our side can succeed, that’s what I need to do. If I try to sleep… I’ll only be reminded of why she isn’t here.”

Hearing that, John looked for Clarice and the Struckers, trying to show Marcos hope in the people who were still there. Her talk had appeared to work as the family was nowhere to be found, but she caught him looking at her, so she gave him a quick thumb’s up.

It wasn’t the plan that he had in mind, but as Clarice continued to walk away, John realized what he had to say. “We have a lot of good people here that can rebuild what we lost. But you can’t avoid these feelings forever because suppression isn’t any healthier than wanting to lash out.”

Marcos chuckled once, causing John to focus back on his friend. “Said the guy who’s holding in more than the rest of us.” John wanted to say something, but Marcos cut him off. “I don’t blame you, but if you think _I’m_ keeping stuff in, you may want to think about all the things that you haven’t allowed yourself to face.”

“You’re sounding like Clarice right now,” John replied, watching as Marcos’ head jerked back in response. The action threw him for a second, but Marcos recovered seamlessly, giving John a quick grin before gesturing his head towards the main door.

“C’mon, let’s go outside for a bit.”

John obliged him, taking note of how Marcos walked the same pathway to the door without much hesitation. Once they got outside, John breathed in the brisk, fresh air as he stopped just outside of the door.

Meanwhile, Marcos walked a couple more steps, staring up at the night sky. It was as if he was waiting for John to close the door behind them, as he only spoke once the door clicked.

“You know it’s okay to want to be happy right?”

John’s eyes narrowed as he took a step forward. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means we’ve lost a lot in the last couple of weeks, which makes it easy to forget the good stuff. Just because of what happened, of how I’m feeling, that doesn’t mean that I don’t notice what’s going on with you.”

 “There’s nothing going on with me.”

“And Clarice? Sure there is.” Marcos laughed as he finally brought his head down to face John. “I’m not an idiot John, I think I can guess what happened before we went after Campbell. Plus, you’ve picked up a tendency of holding her when things have a chance of getting ugly.”

 John wanted to deny it, but knew that Marcos wasn’t going to believe him if he tried. “It’s complicated.”

Marcos sighed before he started walking again. “You mean because Sonya manipulated her to save you?” 

“That’s only part of it,” John replied, following him once more.

“A little secret,” Marcos said, leaning against one of the cars. “The timing is always going to suck. It did with me and Lorna and… well, it’s a mess right now, but we had a lot of good moments too. And isn’t giving people like us a chance of normal happiness and love what we’re fighting for?”

On paper, he was right, but it wasn’t something that John let himself embrace. He came close not long ago and the consequences were far from ideal. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. Now, with the Underground in disarray, John knew that this wasn’t the time to prioritize what he wanted. “We’re a far cry from that, Marcos.”

“Sure,” he said, nodding a couple times. “That’s why we live in the moment and take what we can get. Because even if we do get through this alive and win, I don’t think our lives will ever be uncomplicated.” Marcos glanced momentarily towards the gate, no doubt wondering about Lorna. “But getting out of your own way to be happy… that’s not a bad thing. Honestly, you deserve it.”

He pushed himself from the car and seemed to look past John towards the building they had left. “And sure, we don’t know everything about her, but considering my history, I can’t begrudge her past. Plus, the Frosts offer a lot more than us, especially for someone who is used to not having a lot. The fact she stayed tells me enough about who she is.”

That was comforting coming from Marcos. John had come to that conclusion before she stayed, but it was still a relief that she stayed with them. More importantly, the longer this conversation lasted, John he was starting to believe that Marcos could handle his shift.

“Considering the last time Lorna wasn’t here, I didn’t expect you to be this level-headed,” he said.

It was almost like he was a different person. While Lorna left of her own free will this time, that still had to suck for him and John had no idea if he would play it cool or become a loose cannon, so it was a relief to see the former.

After he took a long breath, Marcos said, “I’m not going to lie, seeing the women I love walk away like that hurt like hell, but what we’re doing matter more. They need to believe that the Underground stands for something, for the right things.”

“Well, if you ever need a reminder of that,” John said, clapping his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You know that I’m here.”

It was something that they needed to do more often, as the focus was always shifting from mission to mission. Tonight was a reminder that they all needed to take a break and keep each other in check. It was something that wasn’t even on his radar before, but Clarice made him realize how much they had lost sight of that.

“Yeah, and I’m here for you too, but think about I said,” Marcos said, tapping his hand against John’s back before he took a couple of steps backwards. “See you soon.”

John nodded and then turned to head inside the building, realizing that there was one more conversation that he needed to have tonight. That is, if she was still awake.

 

**~0~**

 

When Lorna led the group out of the new headquarters, most people were staring in that direction. Clarice was no exception initially, but the moment the door shut, she looked towards Marcos, the Struckers and finally John.

He was still holding her arm, which was something, as he had protectively taken it when Andy’s powers went off, similarly to how he reacted when they confronted Lorna. Selfishly, she wanted to believe that was a good thing, but she could tell that the wheels in his head were going a mile a minute.

It was typical John stuff, as the hurt he felt was likely buried as he figured out a strategy. She noticed how he had looked over to Marcos, the way John’s face fell as he realized how much his friend was hurting. When he let her go, Clarice knew what she had to do next, but instead, she heard John give the necessary speech.

It wasn’t his best and his voice was a bit shaky, but anyone who knew him, which was mostly everyone here, knew that he had the best intentions and that he was right. There were no answers they would get now, so getting rest, some perspective, was the best they could do.

Still, one look at the Stuckers and she knew that sleep wasn’t going to be an easy task. As someone who had a strong enough rebellious streak to run away from her family, she figured she could provide them some comfort for tonight.

As she walked up, she could feel someone staring, so she turned her head, not surprised to see that it was John. She grinned, hoping he’d realize that she had this, that he could focus on Marcos, as that mattered most tonight. He luckily got the message, so she continued walking towards the Struckers.

“It sucks right now,” she said, trading glances between them, but focusing most on Lauren. “But Andy means it when he said that he loves you. And he will come back one day.” She knew there was a chance that she was wrong, as Andy was different than her, but for now, they needed that hope. “I don’t know him as well as you do, but it felt like this ability gave him power, purpose in a way that he never knew before. Right now, he needs to find that middle ground, something that will probably allow him to realize what he left behind.”

“How long does that take?” Reed asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied honestly, wishing that she had a better answer. “The most important thing you can do is believe and support him, no matter what decision he makes. If you continue doubting his choices, that might drive him further away.”

“But what he’s doing is wrong!”

Caitlin’s outburst was expected and Clarice bit her lip to keep herself in check. “I’m not saying it’s easy, but this is no different than any other teenage antics. You outright banning him isn’t going to fix things because he wants to make his own decisions.” 

She took a deep breath before adding, “The important thing to know right now is that he’s not coming back tonight, so you need to get some rest because we’re going to need you tomorrow.”

“Our son just chose to walk away from us,” Caitlin said, her voice more level compared to before, but Clarice caught how she squeezed Lauren’s hand a little tighter. “How do you expect us to sleep after what happened?”

Again, she didn’t know, but not giving them an answer wouldn’t help their situation. “The best advice I can give you for now is to focus on something positive, on what you love,” Clarice said, ignoring the way that John’s voice echoed in her mind.  “Focus on the good times, the smiles you’ve shared as a family, on something you helped us achieve or the people you saved. Then take that memory or that achievement and train tomorrow. Train so you are able to fight when the time comes.”

Clarice paused, not sure where this passion was coming from, but for a second, it felt like she knew what she was doing. As she stared at the Struckers, she could see that they were still sad, which was understandable, but they needed to believe in the value they brought to this team.

“We’re going to need you moving forward and you have a lot of good in your life,” she said, making sure to look at them equally. “Focus on that. _Fight_ for that.”

She took a shaky breath after that, as that was the extent of the positive lessons she was trying to embrace. Most of which John had taught her.

“Okay,” Lauren said quietly. “Then that’s what we’ll do.” She turned to look at her parents. “We’ll work hard to find a way to bring him back, but until then, we keep working together. Let’s do our part to bring this team back together and show Andy that there’s more than one way to make the world we want.”

Clarice watched as Caitlyn and Reed nodded, showing a bit of pride for their daughter. They came together for a family hug, which was Clarice’s cue to leave, so she took a step away, but she glanced over in time to see Lauren mouth _Thank you_ to her. Clarice smiled to show that she had seen her gesture.

Truthfully, she was grateful for Lauren taking over, but if what she said helped convince them to get some sleep, that was a win in her book. One that she needed. One that the group needed.

When she turned her head again, she was glad to see the Struckers walking towards their stuff, but she felt her chest warm as she caught the way John was staring at her again. Unsure of what else to do, she gave him a thumb’s up before turning her back to him and walking away.

As much as she hoped that he was doing okay, she wanted him to focus on helping Marcos. No doubt he was worried about everyone else too, but for now, all she could do was try to show him that she was okay.

Confused, angry, maybe a bit annoyed, but okay.

Once she arrived at the corner where her stuff was laid out, Clarice looked at her small duffel bag that laid open. It was mostly clothes, which would stay in the bag, as it wasn’t like she needed to unpack, or that she had enough clothes in the bag to make it worth it.

Some of the people around her were already asleep, which was good. It was probably something Clarice should attempt too, but the moment she sat on the pillows that made up her bed, she couldn’t help but sigh. Even though she was new, she had gotten to know and trust the people who had left, so it was hard not to feel a little defeated.

It felt like they were close to a lucky break, but instead, the universe decided to kick them when they were down. So now, with no one looking, Clarice relaxed enough to feel frustrated that she didn’t see this coming fast enough. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would help her feel better, but it didn’t because this was about more than surviving to see tomorrow. She was truly committed to the fight, she had made real friends and felt like she could help make a difference for once. But now, everyone was likely feeling a little lost in a time when the people she was closest to were hurting the most.

That was why she knew that sleep wasn’t really an option, no matter how much it contradicted her earlier words to the Struckers because at least they still had most of their family. For her, at this point, there was too much unknown wafting in the air, especially in a new space.

Don’t get her wrong, she was grateful they had a roof over their heads tonight. Plus, this place had four walls and it was safe for now, which was more than she could say about the old headquarters. Still, it was hard embracing the fact she would have to get used to this place, not to mention that, based on what she had seen, it was mostly just four walls, leaving very little room for privacy.

But she seemed to have it now, so she got up and went to the kitchen, figuring that she should eat something. It must have been hours since she had a meal, which was a lot fancier than whatever was in that kitchen. Not that was a bad thing, but it was nice getting some decent food while they were with the Frost sisters. But for that same reason, she was glad that she was back to familiar surroundings and familiar foods because it meant she didn’t have to focus on doing missions with debatable morals or with people that she didn’t trust.

Unfortunately, those feelings didn’t extend to the food itself. After everything that happened, she should be starving, but when she got to the kitchen and approached the cabinets, she felt nothing. Even as she started cooking the soup, Clarice honestly didn’t feel like eating anything.

“Hey,” a familiar voice called out, one that she was hoping that she could avoid until tomorrow, as John only contributed towards the unknown she was feeling.

It was hard to erase how she felt taking that chance and the way that he looked at her afterwards. That was the reason her breath nearly hitched when he spoke. The problem was that moment felt like it was a lifetime ago and it didn’t really matter when compared to everything that had happened since.

Still, she replied “Hey," because for all she knew, he just needed a quick favour. 

John wasn’t surprised when she hadn’t looked up from stirring the soup, but he maintained his gaze as he leaned against the counter next to her. “You’re all set up?”

“Yeah, I think so. It’s not like I had much to set up.” She bit the side of her tongue on the side he couldn’t see, or at least, she hoped that he couldn’t see. It wasn’t like she truly understood everything he could do. When it became clear that he intended on sticking around, she asked, “Do you want some? I remembered that it had been a while since I ate, but I don’t think I can eat this much.”

“Sure,” he replied. He wasn’t that hungry either, but it was an easy way for him to stay here and hopefully gain the courage to start that conversation.

After John grabbed the bowls and spoons, he handed the bowls to her to fill them up. Their fingers touched for just a second and it was enough for Clarice to feel like a foolish teenager. The problem was that it wasn’t all her fault. She was pretty sure that he kissed her back, he had held her back when Lorna threatened her, found comfort in holding her when the team started to break. But things were still stupidly complicated and it didn’t help that everything seemed to be crumbling apart.

“Is Marcos still on first watch?” Clarice asked as she filled the first bowl, hoping that they could stick to business or small talk for tonight. After placing it on the counter, she gestured for John to take it, which he did after a nod.

“Yeah, he said that he needed this and as much I wanted to tell him otherwise, I believe him,” he said, turning his head slightly towards the doorway. “So I thought I’d check in on everyone, but almost everyone is sleeping except you and the Struckers.”

“That’s good,” she said, realizing something once she picked up the other bowl. Putting it back down, she looked in the cabinets, hoping to find a travel mug. “I mean, not for the Struckers, but I honestly think Andy will come around eventually. I don’t agree with what he did, but as someone who went through that phase, I get it.”

“Did you tell them that?”

Her head tilted just as she found what she was looking for. “I was a bit more eloquent than that, as they know that sticking together is the best move right now,” she said, reaching to get it down from an upper shelf. “Which is why, if you ask me, if there’s anyone to check up on, it’s you and Marcos.” And sure, she didn’t have much of a relationship with Marcos, but Clarice hoped that was something she could begin to remedy with a bit of soup.

“Speaking of Marcos, I’m going to be right back,” she said, catching John’s confused look before leaving the kitchen. No doubt, he would have preferred her to stay in the kitchen, but if they were going to really talk, she had to get her head in the game. Even as she approached the door, she could feel herself conflicted over how she could prioritize what she wanted over what was needed right now.

But this she could do, that is if she could find Marcos. This was unfamiliar territory for the most part, so Clarice didn’t want to wander too far away. She walked down the driveway, glad for the mug keeping her hands warm, as she should have grabbed a coat. It wasn’t too bad out, but it had gotten colder than the last time she was outside.

One thing that she appreciated was that she could still see all the stars. It was a small detail, but the fact the night sky was the same no matter where she was always gave her hope when she was on the run. She wasn’t running now, but that hope was still important.

When there was no sign of him near the road, Clarice turned back and continued down a nearby pathway close to the fence, doing her best to keep her bearings. It was funny, as on the surface, this place didn’t look like much, but it had its charms. Maybe because Clarice set a low bar for what settled for a home, but maybe this could work out after all.

“What are you doing?”

Clarice smiled as she looked up and saw Marcos walking towards her. “No worries, I’m just here to prevent you from fainting.” Holding the mug out, she waited for him to stop in front of her. “It’s just tomato soup, but I figure it’s better than nothing considering that I can’t remember the last time either one of us ate anything.”

“You didn’t have to do this,” he said, but he still took the mug.

“Sure I didn’t,” Clarice replied, shrugging her shoulder after her arm came back to her side. “But you’re going through a lot and we need you to sharp as things inevitably get uglier before they get better.”

Luckily, he trusted her enough to not tell her otherwise. Instead, he actually tipped his mug towards her, as if to give a toast. It looked like he was preparing to take a sip, but he stopped. “You’re having some too, right?”

She nodded. “I need to put another can in the pot, but yeah, I’m getting there.” By then, she hoped that she felt like eating, that it smelled like something she wanted to eat.

“Well, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied, realizing that she had taken enough of his time, so she grinned at him before preparing to head back.

“You’re not going to give me the third degree for taking this shift,” Marcos stated, causing her to stop turning.

Looking at him over her shoulder, Clarice shrugged again. “You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t okay.” She took a step backwards, angling her body so she could see both Marcos and the building better. “You’d storm off, maybe even follow Lorna, but protecting these people, ensuring they feel safe, that matters to you more.”

With a chuckle, she added, “One of the reasons that you and John get along so well. Just don’t push it, okay? I’d rather not have to babysit you both.”

He laughed back before drinking some of the soup. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Satisfied, Clarice gave him a nod and attempted to start walking, but again, his words interrupted her. “I’m glad you stayed.”

“Leaving was never an option for me,” she replied. “I agree with your principles and I admire your conviction, even when the chips are down. It may be the tougher road, but I think it’s the only way we get through this without making things catastrophically worse for everyone.”

It was a longer answer than she intended to give him, but she meant every word and it had the intended impact. In fact, if she didn’t know any better, she noticed signs that Marcos actually seemed impressed. “In that case,” he said, “do you think I could ask you for a favour?”

“You can ask. I make no promises.”

“Take the next shift in a couple of hours and convince John to get some rest,” Marcos said. She could tell that he was being serious, but this was far from what she had expected. “You’re pretty much right about me, so I have no intention of pushing myself too hard unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I’m worried about him because he’s probably in a similar condition.”

She sighed. “Wouldn’t surprise me. I don’t think he has any intention of sleeping before his shift, as he was checking up on everyone who was still awake.”

“Yeah, if you see it too, that’s not good,” he said, taking another sip. “I know it sounds hypocritical coming from me, but you know how hard John has taken some of these losses. So I’m hoping if he can take one night off, it might help. And something tells me that you’re the only one who can convince him.”

“What about your pain?” Clarice blurted as she crossed her arms. She mainly didn’t want to dwell too long on his latter comment, but his reaction justified her question. “John might have a better poker face, but I wasn’t kidding about babysitting you both. I’d rather treat you like adults, but I will do it if it’s necessary.”

He scoffed, likely knowing that she had a point. After thinking about it for a couple of seconds, he countered, “Okay, how about I take tomorrow night off?”

“That’s a start,” she replied honestly, as that was a lot easier than she thought it would be and she didn’t want to push her luck. “You do realize that my ability hasn’t exactly proved to be super reliable in combat situations, right?”

“Can you open a portal to the front of the building from here?” he said after a long drink of soup.

“Sure.”

“Then it serves a purpose we could use for a couple of hours.” He went on to give her the cliff notes of what she needed to do, which was mostly monitoring the area, as the people who were stationed here understandably had a system that they didn’t want to mess with too much. “I’ll run through other stuff when you start, but it should be a lot less stressful than the missions you’ve been on.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she said. “I make no promises, but I’ll be here if I can.”

Marcos nodded, taking one last drink of soup before handing her the mug. “Thank you Clarice.”

She reached out to take it, surprised to realize it was empty. “You didn’t have to chug it.”

“If the worst happens, I need my hands to be free,” he said, a point that didn’t cross her mind before, but made a lot of sense. “I did need that though, so I appreciate you tracking me down.”

“You’d do it for any of us, so you’re welcome.”

“See you in a few hours,” he said, waving before turning to walk away, so Clarice started retracing her steps, feeling a slight skip in her step as that effort had also paid off.

However, the moment she arrived at the door, she felt herself pause, knowing what was likely going to happen once she got back to the kitchen.

Clarice honestly wasn’t sure how she was going to handle talking to John, not to mention trying to convince him to relax. It didn’t help that she wasn’t herself when they were talking earlier, but she knew that, no matter what happened, John deserved better from her. As she got closer to the kitchen, she deepened her breathing, not really sure what to expect.

Seeing John stirring a pot of soup felt about right though. “Good timing, the soup just started boiling,” he said.

“Thanks John.” She looked over at his bowl and noticing how he hadn’t finished yet. She felt herself sigh before taking the travel mug over to the sink to wash it.

“You’re welcome. I figured it was the least I could do,” he replied, not sure if he should look at her, even as she stood nearby at the sink. Before, she had gone out of her way to avoid eye contact and had gone outside to Marcos before saying too much to him. Shop talk seemed open, but John realized that Marcos was right earlier. This was something he had to be honest about, to stop dealing with uncertainty when it came to them before it got worse.

Except she spoke up first. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Not exactly the line she had in mind, but the silence was too much for her to take once she turned off the water. For now, she needed him to talk, to show his hand a bit to allow her to understand where they truly stood so she knew how to approach this conversation.

Because that uncertainty had its own set of problems. Clarice wanted to believe that everything between them was real, but that implanted memory would always cause her to question things. More importantly, she didn’t want him to feel obligated to anything just because she wanted something real with him.

Then again, the reason she blurted that was because she didn’t want to ask him how he was when she could tell how fazed he was by everything. He covered it well, but even in the way that he dipped his head, causing his hair to obscure his face, she could tell Marcos was right, the losses were starting to pile up.

“You have a penny?” he joked as his eyes followed her putting away the mug. He knew that wasn’t the point, but he was trying to see if he could keep things light for a moment. However, when she disappeared behind him quickly, John worried he had gone too far in ignoring her attempts to help him.

He turned his head, ready to tell her that he was sorry, but instead, he saw her picking up his bowl of soup. “You should warm this up afterwards. No point in making you have cold soup.”

In that moment, they locked eyes for the first time since he had come in the kitchen. She swallowed hard as he continued to stare, but she managed a smile before letting him take the bowl.

“Thanks,” he said, as he honestly didn’t care whether it warm or not, but it mattered to her, so he would do it.

As Clarice sat down, she drummed her fingers against the table, wondering why she hadn’t called him on his deflection. After all, a deal was a deal and he needed to talk to someone sometime. But he carried on, tapping the spoon against the pot, grabbing the empty bowl that he had given her before. The steam continued to rise as the liquid filled up the bowl and she caught the way that his mouth stretched to the smallest of grins.

Then all of a sudden he stilled after putting the pot down. He even scoffed right before curling his fingers around the edges of the counter. “I’m not fooling anyone, am I?”

Her head tilted to the side, not anticipating him to actually answer her question after she gave him an out. However, she wasn’t about to squander this opportunity.

“No one expects you to have all of the answers after what happened,” she said. She looked up at him as he placed her bowl of soup in front of her. When his hand became free, she wanted to reach out and take it, tell him that everything would be okay.

But she froze and he walked back to the pot. “It just felt like we were this close to something big.”

Not winning the war, not even a battle, but something that put them ahead for once. He even let himself get a bit confident about it, believe that maybe he could focus on more than the next mission or keeping everyone in line.

“Yeah, I get what you mean,” she replied and as he watched her stir her soup, he realized that she did get it. Clarice had found a weird balance of being part of important decisions while not trying to rock the boat when it came to leadership in the old Headquarters. But she had experienced plenty of the losses right in front of her, which was probably a lot for someone who didn’t let a lot of people in.

It sure was for him.

Clearing his throat, John turned back to the pot, intent of heating up his soup. He poured it in the pot and said, “I always considered the possibility that this wouldn’t be enough for Lorna one day, but I didn’t think it would happen like this. Not with Marcos and the baby on the way.”

Clarice nodded slowly at that. Considering how much Marcos sacrificed to bring her back to the Underground, how tight they seemed, she wanted to think it was impossible. But they did fight a lot and it felt like the Frosts were intent on turning her. Clarice had hoped their talk would convince Lorna to stay, as she hadn’t earned enough of Lorna’s trust to do much more. Of course it wasn’t enough, so when Lorna called Clarice her friend at the airfield, the sentiment felt a little hollow.

It was that feeling that allowed life to go on a little easier for her compared to the guys. Yet Marcos was right, John was taking it just as hard as him. The longer she spent with him, the more she realized why Marcos was trying to get her to take the shift.

“He does seem to be okay though.” Clarice drank a couple of spoonfuls of soup before adding, “And you’ve started from scratch before. That means we can do it again.”

John gritted his teeth, trying not to show her as he appreciated what she was trying to do, but it wasn’t that easy. “It’s different though and it kills me to admit that Campbell may end succeeding after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re going to be fighting each other now,” he said, filling up his bowl again, not really feeling hungry, but knowing it was for the best. Plus, it wasn’t like they had the luxury of wasting food.

“We already were,” she replied, pushing the bowl forward as the tomato soup started to resemble something she had seen enough of in the last couple of months. As she looked up, she noticed John sit down at the chair around the table corner from hers. “Maybe now that the shoe’s dropped, this can help resolve things.”

She knew it sounded crazy, but it was in the crazy that they needed to find hope. There were conferences, government officials actively against mutants, so something had to change if they wanted to live in peace. Especially for people like Clarice who couldn’t hide in plain sight.

Her words didn’t help John though, as he just stared at his soup. “I just… I didn’t think Sage would leave too.”

“I don’t have an answer for that,” she said, even though she wished that she did. “But I can say that Lorna was wrong.” John looked up at her, his eyes narrow, so she continued to explain. “Sacrifice isn’t just about loss. Sometimes, it’s just adapting to allow us to learn, to be stronger for what’s ahead. And even if she is right, then soon enough, she’s going to realize what she sacrificed tonight.”

It was harsh and she wasn’t sure if it actually made sense, but it felt like something like that had to be said. “I don’t know if the Frosts got to her, if her pregnancy is causing her vendetta qualities to work overtime or if it’s something we don’t know about, but she’s changed, John.”

“You’re right.”

Seeing the look on his face caused Clarice to sigh. “I’m sorry, I could have handled that better.” She rested her elbow on the table, leaning forward to weave her fingers in her hair. “I wish I could do a lot of things better.”

John swallowed hard as she doubted herself, something he couldn’t stand by and do nothing about, so he reached forward and covered her other hand that was resting on the table. He could feel her hesitate momentarily, but soon, he let herself relax.

Then, as her eyes came up, he said, “It’s okay to be frustrated. We all are.”

“Yeah,” she said, pursing her lips before having some of her soup, “but I want to be better so that I’m one less person that you’re worried about.”

Silence took over for a few moments, as John dipped his head, staring at his soup again as her words repeated in his mind. It was a sweet sentiment, but completely unrealistic.

“That’s not going to happen, you know that right?” He paused as he focused his attention on their hands, a little relieved that she hadn’t pulled away yet. “I know that you think that I don’t take good enough care of myself, but –”

“For the record, I’m not the only one,” she interjected as she pointed at him using her other hand before she took her spoon.  “Marcos asked me to take the next shift and I’m going to do it because you need to sleep.”

“So do you.”

“Sure,” she said, sliding her hand from his, noticing the way his expression changed, but he needed to focus on her words right now. She promised Marcos that she would do this and she intended to deliver. “Except we only have to cover these two shifts and out of the three of us, I have the clearest head.”

That was probably true, but something wasn’t lining up for John. “And this was Marcos’ idea?”

It didn’t necessarily surprise him after their earlier conversation outside, but he never thought that she thought Marcos would be more qualified to do this than he was.

“Yeah, and he told me to tell you to relax because you put too much pressure on yourself.” This wasn’t the first time he had heard this from her, and technically, she didn’t have to tell him this, but she decided it was necessary. “Hearing that from Marcos of all people should be an indication that you should get some sleep tonight. Although for some reason he thought I would have better luck.”

John’s eyes narrowed, mostly because he knew Clarice wouldn’t see his reaction. She didn’t know that Marcos had already tried, but she had to know what she just said, right? “For some reason? That’s what you’re going with?”

Her spoon clinked as it hit the side of the bowl. It didn’t make a loud noise, but it still echoed in Clarice’s mind.

_Shit._

This was the downside of being a bit tired herself and thinking out loud. Her head came up and she could see the way that his eyes were trying to read hers. She hit her spoon against the bowl again before laying it against the side of the bowl. “We’re not talking about this right now.”

“Why not?”

It was a valid question, but one that Clarice didn't want to answer. She looked away from John, a moment that reminded her they weren’t alone here, which was a valid concern. Of course, other people finding out wasn’t what scared her because John was right. She knew the reason.

She also knew that the real thing that scared her was what he might say, but John was waiting for her to talk, so she decided to take pre-emptive measures to soften the blow. “Because you’re just going to tell me that I misread that moment. Honestly, I can fill most of the blanks myself and I would prefer that you didn’t reinforce them.”

John pursed his lips. “What if I told you that you didn’t misread anything?” He tilted his head, trying to read what was going through her mind. “Things are still complicated, but that was real.”

“Yeah, they’re complicated alright,” she said, not sure what he was trying to accomplish by telling her that. “You just lost your girlfriend and best friend, while one of your closest friends just fractured the whole Underground.” She tugged her teeth against the inside of her lip to keep herself from rolling her eyes. “There’s really no need to explain John, I get it.”

It was hard, telling him that the status quo was fine when he didn’t seem to be mad about her crossing that line. It was also a bit hypocritical of her to do this, but this was a pretty notable step too, as running was her go-to for years, but everything had changed since she decided to return to the Underground.

Then there was John himself, someone she was committed to distance herself from to not make things awkward or weird. Clarice had tried to ignore him, to ignore the memory. Heck, the whole reason she left the Mutant Underground, besides refusing to be just a portable door maker, was because she didn’t want that memory to have control over her life.

But he refused to let her go. He didn’t deny that the Underground needed her abilities, but after she accused him of using her, he never hesitated to show her that she had a bigger role in this fight, even if that meant he had to drop everything to help her find answers first. He did everything he could to make her feel safe, which was the perfect way to have her feelings grow for him, especially since it had been so long time since she had trusted anyone, let alone care about someone. She just didn’t know if it was because of that memory or if her feelings, like the kiss, were completely real.

So when his eyes softened and he said, “That may be true, but I care about you,” it was hard to stay strong, because that was something she already knew and those words didn’t give her any clearer vision of what that meant for them. At this point, she knew that ripping off the band-aid would be easier way of figuring that out, but she couldn’t muster the strength to do that, so she continued to play it safe, to protect herself.

“Look,” she said. “In that moment, I had this voice in my head and I followed it instead of avoiding it. Part of me wishes I hadn’t done it but –”

“Clarice, listen to me,” he interjected, his voice causing her to jump in her seat. “I’m sorry, but you need to understand that I don’t regret it either.”

It was unexpected, but it also felt right in the moment. There was a twinge of guilt once, which was why he wanted to avoid this conversation, but his friends were right. There was so much that he kept to himself and it was starting to become too much. While he couldn’t do much about Lorna or the headquarters being gone, this was something he could control.

He leaned back though, as he realized that he had to go into some territory that would make Clarice uncomfortable. “I know what you think of me and Sonya, and yes, I kept her at arm’s length because I was afraid of getting too attached.” He stopped as her expression soured, but he knew he had to press on, as he had his reasons for telling her this. “When you –”

 “That’s exactly my point,” Clarice said, closing her eyes as that memory starting playing in her head for the first time in weeks. It was technically progress, as she could usually think about that memory without it playing now, but the fact that it still lingered inside her wasn’t helping. “As much as I like you, the timing couldn’t be worse. Considering what you just said, I don’t think this can start from a healthy place.”

It killed her to say that, as she knew that he was being honest with her. However, she believed that it was for the best until she realized that what she said didn’t seem to faze John at all.

“Even if I wanted to take that risk with you?”

Her mouth gaped, as she hadn’t expected that response, nor did she expect him to say that so evenly. Still, she couldn’t give in. “Look around, John. Most of the relationships around here are in shambles right now.” She picked up her spoon and began to stir her soup again. “Maybe you’re right to keep things professional.”

“That would be easier for both of us,” he said, more than aware of their current predicament, but that had nothing to do with this decision. However, he did understand where she was coming from. “It’s something we have in common, wanting to help others, but we’re afraid of being hurt so we try to not let people get too close. That’s why I wanted to explain how things were with me and Sonya. I see now that I could have explained that better, but it’s not like I’m an expert in this.”

“Neither,” she said softly.

“Then let me try again.” He stood up, grabbing his chair so he could sit on the same side of the table as her. As he sat back down, he looked at Clarice, hoping that she would still be comfortable. When she didn’t react, he brought his bowl closer. “You remember when you came to see me after her funeral?”

“Of course,” she said, as she wasn’t about to forget that day. There were always signs that things were changing between them, but they really started to bond in their training sessions that resulted from that talk. Not to mention the missions that followed.

“You mentioned about how we’re always looking ahead,” he said. “That’s because, while we want to live normal lives, we don’t have the freedom or the luxury of time to figure everything out. So while we grieve, we have to keep fighting just to survive or else we’ll never stop grieving.”

That made sense, even to someone like Clarice who hadn’t lived this life for a long time, as it was pretty hard to focus on her own life these days. She could only imagine what it was like for someone like John who helped start the Mutant Underground.

 He took a spoonful of soup, sighing after he swallowed. “The part that we often overlook is that the same philosophy applies to what makes us happy. No matter how bad things get, there are good things around us, but if we don’t stop and appreciate it or take a chance, it could pass us by.”

“What are you saying?” she asked, even though she had a feeling that she already knew the answer.

“We say that things are complicated, that the timing sucks.” His head came up and he gave this smile that somehow felt like it was made of frustration. “What we know, but don’t say is that there’s something here, something worth exploring.”

Again, he leaned closer, but far enough to show that he was respecting her space. “Especially since, as I was going to say earlier… Clarice, you are always going to be someone I worry about, someone I want to protect.” 

Unable to keep looking at him, Clarice glanced down at the table. “You’re not just saying all this because the best my powers have done was saving your life right?”

“Even you know you’ve done more than that,” he said, moving his head to try and find her eyes. Luckily, she turned her head slightly, allowing their eyes to meet before he added, “And to borrow some of your own words to answer your question, this is me. No guilt, no sense of obligation.”

She wanted to believe him, he had given her no reason to believe otherwise, but it wasn’t that easy. That’s why she couldn’t help but quip. “But because the Underground needs me, right?”

“Well, it does,” he said, knowing that wasn’t the point she was alluding to, but if she was going to hide behind self-deprecating humour, then he would at least remind her of her value to the Underground. “I know you don’t see yourself as a leader around here, but others look up to you. The kids from your foster home, even Lauren was telling me about the advice you gave tonight.”

“You mean your advice?”

She wasn’t wrong about that, as when Lauren came into the kitchen for a glass of water, he asked how her family was doing. That’s when she repeated the words he had once told Clarice. Part of him was glad to hear that something he told her had stuck, but that was only part of the advice Clarice had given Lauren, as she mentioned a different time when the Struckers were going to head to Mexico.

However, he didn’t need to tell her that. “I’m far from the first person to come up with that and honestly, these days, moments like that matter just as much as training. Besides, you’re already involved in many of the important decisions we make, so it isn’t much of a stretch to consider you as one of the leaders here.”

“It is when you consider how few of those decisions have ended in our favour,” she said, knowing that most of them had ended sideways.

Most people blamed the Struckers, even in the meeting tonight, but they had nothing to do with Lorna being taken. Everyone had told her not to blame herself for that and no one blamed her for what followed, but it was hard not to do that, especially considering their current situation.

“You’re loyal and committed to doing the right thing,” he said, breaking Clarice from her trance to look back at him. “I care about that more than the results and Marcos wouldn’t ask you to replace him if he didn’t trust you, if he didn’t think you could help.”

 “Except I have no idea what I’m doing.”

John shrugged a shoulder. “That’s why we work together, but I understand if you’re uncomfortable with taking on more responsibility.”

That wasn’t the problem for her, as no matter how much the guys seemed to believe in her, she wasn’t quite there yet. “Can I think about it?” she asked. “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I’ll need some time to think it through.”

“Absolutely, but there’s something else you need to hear.” John could see the curiosity in her eyes, but he doubted that she was prepared to hear his real response to her earlier quip. “It’s not just the Underground. I think I need you too.”

“What?”

John couldn’t help but smirk momentarily, but he also knew he had to show her that he was serious. For as much as she was protecting herself, he also figured that she didn’t want to pressure him, especially after she had kissed him. Of course, the part that she seemed to ignore was that it wasn’t like he didn’t kiss her back.

Once she had relaxed again, he said, “I’m figuring this out as much as you are, but yeah, my life is better with you in it.” And he wanted to believe that she felt the same about him, but her behaviour tonight made him realize that his admission wasn’t going to be enough. “So I’m trying to figure out why you’re fighting this so much considering you were the one who kissed me.”

Clarice moved her hand, her finger pointing up. “In my defence, I didn’t think it would even be on your radar tonight.” She tried to keep talking, but instead, she paused to clear her throat. “I didn’t want you to think that I needed an answer. Part of me wanted you to know that I could be professional if we weren’t on the same page because this _is_ complicated.”

John tilted his head, picking up the bowl to drink the rest of his bowl. He smacked his lips together before putting it down on the table, taking a moment to convince himself that he had to ask one last question.

“What’s the other reason?” He could tell that she was still holding something back and he wasn’t sure what else could be bothering her this much. “C’mon Clarice, I can handle it.”

Except that was never the problem. Or maybe it was, but there was an elephant in the room that they had avoided talking about since she had come back to the Underground. “Do you think we’d be here without the memory in my head?”

Ever since Clarice heard about the impact Dreamer had on the Sentinel Services agent, it was a question that she had a hard time ignoring. She managed to ignore it once though, mostly because before every mission, she knew there was a chance she wouldn't make it back alive.

So when John said that she belonged on this team, she didn’t care about holding back. But the fact she kissed him didn’t erase the memory from her mind, nor did it erase the fact he knew about that memory.

“It plays less in my head than it used to, but it’s still there,” she said. “And I can’t escape the idea that it’s still playing a part, especially because of how much the last few weeks have sucked for us.”

John couldn't blame her for that, as it wasn't long ago that he also believed this wasn't a possible option right now. However, as Marcos' words repeated in his mind, he knew now that didn't have to be the case. Despite the number of outs Clarice had given him, he never took them. He then remembered how he felt when they had returned from her foster home, how they had walked down the staircase together and he wanted to follow her as she went ahead to ensure she was okay, but never did.

Being protective was part of his personality, but when it came to protecting Clarice, there was this feeling in his gut that took some time for him to recognize. He wasn’t naïve, as he knew that memory would always going a part of their history, but he knew it didn’t define them. While they both knew about it, they also both wished that never happened and had somehow still gotten to really know each other. It was all of those moments that allowed them to get to this point and it was those moments that meant something to John.

So he said, “Yes,” knowing that he’d have to say more to convince her to believe him. “It might have taken longer, but I think we’d find our way here eventually.”

They really had gone through plenty together over the past few months, from her foster home to the recent funerals to tonight. They had even saved each other’s life at least once. But they were still here, committed to this fight, wanting to keep everyone safe.

“You’re right about recent history and that all I wanted initially was to make amends, but you’ve become an important part of my life Clarice,” he said. “Memory or no memory, I think we make a great team.”

If nothing else, their training sessions had always gone really well and they worked together well at headquarters. The mission record was uneven at best, but often the losses piled up due to reasons outside of their control or their moral code. Those were losses that John could live with.

But this wasn’t about their professional relationship. “I understand that I don’t know everything about you and that’s okay. I know enough,” he said, ensuring his voice was steady and his expression would show her that he meant this. “I’d say more, but I don’t know what else to say without repeating myself.”

She had watched him as he answered her question, but she would often trade glances between him and the soup. It was slightly frustrating for John, as he thought this was what Clarice wanted, but he waited for her to tell him what else was on her mind.

Fortunately for him, she spoke up. “But what I did, it was pretty selfish and unfair to you.”

John grinned, as he could work with that. “I guess it was,” he said, knowing better than to deny it. It wasn’t like he did anything to dissuade her, but doing it right before the mission probably wasn’t the best time. “To be honest, I haven’t allowed myself to be selfish in a long time, but that’s because I put my focus on the mission, on keeping everyone safe so that once things got better, I could take that chance.”

Although one could argue that he did already when he followed up her gesture by throwing himself in the line of fire to ensure she didn’t get shot. The smarter move would have been trying to pull her to safety with Marcos against the side wall, but John didn’t want to risk moving her until the gunmen needed to reload.

“You can’t still think you can save everything, right?”

There was something in her voice that he didn’t recognize, a sense of pain that he didn’t expect, so he shook his head right away. “The point is that we’ve lost so much and it doesn’t hurt any less.” 

She had stretched her hand closer to him, so he took it in both of his hands. “All this time,” he said, “I’ve lived this way, which allowed my life to become continuously more complicated. That needs to stop if we’re going to rebuild the Underground. But now I also realize that I can and want to embrace the things that make me happy, especially since they help make me a better person.”

He watched her for a few moments, likely processing his words. As her head tilted, she gave him a small grin. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I know I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but I don’t think I can pretend nothing happened between us. Honestly, Clarice, I believe that this… _us_ … is real.” 

When her eyes softened, he gave her a quick smile before moving their hands back down to the table. He released her hand, prepared for the confused look that followed, so he said, “And if it helps prove it, I will call it a night. I’m even going to make you do the dishes.”

He got up and took his bowl to the sink, as he noticed Clarice wasn’t done eating yet. “The choice is yours though, Clarice. I know what feeling safe means to you and I want that for you, not just around here, but around me.”

The bowl hit the counter as he heard Clarice pull back her chair. “There he is,” she said, shaking her head. “Even when you’re trying to be selfish, you’re still putting other people first.”

He smirked, tempted to tell her that he technically has selfish reasons for saying that, but held his tongue. “It’s what I do best apparently.”

“Good,” she replied. “Yes, I want you to take care of yourself, but I don’t want you to change. Not for me, not for anyone.”

That was fine with him, so at this point, there was only one thing left to say. “Goodnight Clarice.”

He walked past her chair and turned the corner, leaving Clarice in the kitchen a little speechless. However, once the silence settled back in, she finally felt hungry enough to finish her soup.

 

**~0~**

 

One of the good things about the new headquarters was that there was still an open field where she could train without risking any interference. Although, for now, she was standing there, waiting for Zingo to retrieve the tennis ball that she just threw.

For once, things actually felt normal. The sun peeking through the clouds, the fresh air surrounding her without a feeling of dread or doom. Sure, things weren’t ideal, but there was a reason for hope. She still felt safe, as there were people here that she trusted and the same people trusted her.

When Zingo dropped the ball at her feet, Clarice kneeled down and petted the dog, realizing that she had to get back to her training. That was the reason she had come outside after all.

As she stood back up, she looked around, making sure she was still alone. No matter how things had gone, she needed to do this, to believe that she could do this without John standing there, coaching her. After telling Zingo to sit and stay, Clarice closed her eyes, trying to clear her mind as she brought her hands up. Of course, even without him there, his advice was repeating in her mind.

_Tap into something positive._

_Focus on what you care about most._

_Hold onto it like your life depended on it._

Her head shook, a smirk forming as she opened her eyes. Yeah, that pretty much described him to a tee, especially now. If nothing else, the way that he hugged her definitely felt like that.

_You’re one of us_.

When the portal opened to give her a view from the other side of the field, her smile grew wider. He was right, this was easier. When Dreamer got into her head, that portal was made out of fear for his safety. Even when she tested her ability last night, there was still a bit of fear, as this was her first watch and she refused to let people down, so this was a welcome improvement.

After she closed it, Clarice tried to focus on a different memory for her next attempt, knowing that the motivation behind her latest portal wasn’t sustainable either. She didn’t want things to change between her and John, but it was possible and she had to prepare for that. Of course, that was easier said than done, as she found herself thinking about the way she felt staring at her soup last night after John left the kitchen.

Luckily, no one else had come into the kitchen to see what was likely an incredibly stupid look on her face. After that, the soup tasted better than ever, maybe because she finally allowed herself to be hungry and appreciate it. But it might also be because it was the best she had felt in a long time.

So she decided to give herself a bigger challenge. She took a deep breath, digging in deeper to open a portal at the front of the building, which was a five-to-ten minute walk behind her.

Sure enough, as she opened the portal, she could see what she wanted to protect. A couple of kids were up already, playing with each other as their mom watched over them. Shatter was walking around with some of the leaders of this post. Then the door opened and John walked out.

The portal had been open for some time, so Clarice could start to feel a bit of strain, but she kept it open as Zingo ran through to play with the kids on the other side. John took the opportunity to get closer to the portal, only taking his eyes off Clarice to tell the kids to stay back. After that, he did a great job of following his own advice and walked right through. Clarice shook her head as she closed the portal behind him.

“Morning,” he said with a smile.

She smiled back at him, unable to hold it back when he was still looking at her like that. “You didn’t just get up, did you?”

“No, but you weren’t wrong about me needing to take my own advice,” he said, gesturing his arm towards where the portal had been. “You held that portal pretty well. What were you thinking about?”

They both knew the truth, but she decided to give him the technical answer. “Tomato soup.”

“Really?” he said as he took a small step back. “Just soup.”

The look on his face was so priceless that she decided to keep up the charade. She brought her hands up, watching the energy spark for a second. “I realized jelly doughnuts weren’t a great choice because they’re a luxury we can’t really afford right now.”

Maybe that would change one day, but honestly, it wasn’t something that she needed anymore. “Sure, soup isn’t sexy, but it’s part of our reality and my life depends on it, what with it being our main food source.”

It was technically an improvement, but John certainly hadn’t expected that response. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say to that, so he shifted the conversation. “You missed breakfast.”

He had waited, as he told that he’d see her then. But when he arrived at the kitchen, he found Marcos trying to wrangle some of the bowls left behind. Meals were done in stages these days, but he clearly needed help, so John stuck around to clean up before the next shift, when he ate. Marcos decided to save his smart comments until then, laughing about how long John had slept before getting to his point.

_You’re waiting for Clarice, aren’t you?_

John had considered telling him otherwise, but decided to nod instead, which Marcos had seemed to appreciate.

_She did fine during her shift and she helped me prepare things this morning. But instead of sitting down, she asked if it would be okay for her to go outside for some training. How about you head out and tell her that we’re meeting at noon?_

He hadn’t anticipated seeing her portal once he got outside, but appreciated how it eliminated the guessing game of where she was training. It also meant he got to see her sooner, which was fine by him. For despite the frustration he had felt over the last couple of days, Clarice was the one constant that made him smile. Here she was, initiating her own training when she wasn’t taking shifts to take care of people, which seemed so different from the person she was when they first met. Maybe this was just the Clarice who didn’t have to focus on running, but he always admired her determined and giving nature, not to mention her sense of humour that was needed in a time like this.

But right now, she was focused on her hands, opening another portal across the field. “I wanted to get an early start to the day,” she said, her eyes set straight ahead of her. “To figure out what I’m meant to be in this place.” 

 “Did you have any breakthroughs?”

Clarice closed the portal, this one created by the memory based on what she saw in her last attempt. The kids, Zingo and the Underground. It wasn’t as powerful, but she had used her powers a few times already today and it was encouraging that she could be motivated by a commitment, not a need, to protect.

That was the test she needed right now, as it helped answer John’s question. “I told you if you needed anything that I wanted to help.” She turned her head to face him. “I meant it then and I mean it now. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

“Good,” he said, as honestly, that answer mattered the most. The rest he knew they could figure out in time, which is why he figured he should let her focus. “Well, I just wanted to let you know that we’re meeting at noon.”

“Okay, but stick around for a minute.”

There was something he needed to see. Something she needed to know. It was a bit risky, as she had done a fair amount of practicing today, but it was a layout she knew and a portal that she needed to know how to do.

She lifted her hands, feeling the energy grow.

_I believe that this… us… is real._

The portal opened in front of them, showing the kitchen on the other side. She had picked a spot by the doorway to ensure that she wouldn’t break anything in half. Marcos was still there, so he turned around and waved. She grinned back as she tried to keep the portal open, which she did long enough to see the look that Marcos gave John.

Okay, so it was official that things between them weren’t a complete secret to the group, but she could deal with that. Closing the portal, she pulled her hands back and realized that was definitely enough practice for one morning.

“It looks like you won’t need my help for much longer,” John said from behind her. He must have approached her while she was making the portal because he sounded closer than before.

“I still have a lot to learn,” she said after shaking her head. “This wouldn’t happen without you telling me to focus on who I care about most.”

“Who?”

“Yeah, silly,” she replied. “Who.”

It turned out that he had gotten a lot closer, as she almost collided with him when she whirled around. She looked up into his eyes, feeling more relaxed than she had in ages as he smiled at her once more. He really did have a fantastic smile and she wished that he did it more often. However, if she was able to bring it out of him, then that was a pretty great thing too.

“So I’m the silly one?” he asked as his eyes narrowed. “How is that when you’re the one who can only find positivity in food?”

Clarice shrugged. “What can I say? It’s reliable. Also, if you don’t find positivity with food, then I think Marcos and I might need to have another chat with you.”

He took the smallest step forward and then leaned forward to touch his forehead against hers. “I don’t think that’s necessary.” He placed his arms on her waist, so Clarice leaned closer, feeling her smile grow once she put her hands on his chest. This just felt right.

“Because you know what I meant,” he added, causing her to laugh quietly.

She did know, but she also enjoyed having fun with him, so she backed away. After all, he did insist on trying to enjoy these moments. The action surprised him, but she gave him a smile to let him know that things were okay. “I might, but I’m also starving. Did Marcos save me leftovers like he promised?”

It was tempting for him to chuckle, as he didn’t think she’d do that, but it felt right to her character. And that was a person that he was glad to know, to care about. “Either way, I think we can figure something out.”

“In that case,” Clarice said, pointing her finger towards him, hopefully showing the direction that they needed to go as John was still getting his bearings. “Lead the way, Proudstar.”

As they started walking back, John relaxed once he realized that he was going the right way. That allowed him to focus on how their fingers seemed to touch slightly as their arms moved. Eventually, John took grip of her hand, hoping for the best, grateful when she softly squeezed his hand and interlocked their fingers. They knew that there was still a lot of unknown ahead, but when it came to their relationship, it felt like that weight was finally lifted off their shoulders.

However, once the new headquarters came into their view, they paused and shared a knowing look. Their hands came back to their sides, but they were still glad to be figuring out the next steps together. For while their reality was far from perfect, there were signs that people had accepted the fact they had to keep moving forward.

After all, the show must go on, so it was encouraging to see Shatter running a training session with the kids, including Lauren, who smiled at Clarice as they walked by. When they got inside, they noticed Marcos talking with Reed and a couple of others.

 “Figured you might be on your way back,” he said as the door shut behind them. “John, we could use your expertise on something. Clarice, you should get something to eat first. Leftovers are on the table.”

“Great,” she replied. It was just instant oatmeal and it was likely cold now, but she had no issues with that, as she knew that she to eat, so she headed towards the kitchen. When she got there, she noticed that Caitlin was leading the clean-up efforts. She smiled at Clarice as she passed through the doorway.

“Do you need any help?” Clarice offered, as while Marcos had given her the okay to leave, Clarice did sort of feel bad for abandoning breakfast.

“No, I’ve just about got it,” Caitlin said as she moved a stack of bowls into the cupboard. “You should enjoy your oatmeal while it’s still warm.”

Clarice moved towards the table to do just that, but instead, she paused when she arrived to think about last night, about how it ended up being John who convinced her it was okay to take that next step. Somehow, she felt that strand of hope grow, which meant that she couldn’t just sit here and eat. Especially since Marcos had implied that he wanted her to come back.

So she lifted her bowl, intending to join the group, but as she turned, she noticed Caitlin was right behind her.

“Sorry,” she said as she gazed down momentarily. “I just wanted to say thank you for what you said last night. It’s going to be hard, but you were right about a lot of things.”

“You’re welcome,” Clarice replied, glad to see that she was doing better. In a lot of ways, she admired the Struckers for how they stuck by their kids and for their commitment to the Underground. Even though they had made their share of mistakes, there was no way they would have gotten close to the Hound program without the information they learned from the Struckers. “You’re joining the meeting right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” she said, moving back to put away the remaining dishes.

Clarice gave a short nod before leaving the kitchen to head towards where the group was meeting. John had grabbed her a chair, so she sat down next to him, trying to catch up on what they were planning without interrupting the conversation, but instead, she noticed Marcos looking at her.

“If you wanted, you could have finished that in the kitchen,” he said. “I didn’t mean to rush you.”

“I’m more helpful here,” she replied, the déjà vu not lost on her. “So what’s the next step?”

Marcos pointed to Reed, who started explaining a potential strategy. For a few minutes, it felt like old times, just with different surroundings, which helped put her mind at ease as she ate her breakfast.

It was almost hard to believe that a few months ago, Marcos and John were strangers who saved her when she thought she was truly alone in this world. Now, she had friends, John and her were figuring things out and she had found a welcome home at the Underground. That led to Clarice finding her purpose in a place where her opinion was valued, which meant that she could finally stop running and do her part to help keep everyone else feel safe.

In others words, even on days like this when answers were limited, this was a life worth fighting for. And Clarice had every intention of doing just that.

 

**~End~**

**Author's Note:**

> Believe it or not, this started as a simple conversation over soup and then I couldn't stop adding scenes. I'm not quite sure that it all works, but I'm hoping you enjoyed it.


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